We Drink Beer So You Don't Have To

Kind of a hodge-podge of beers this week, some new, some old, some aged but unfortunately nothing outstanding.

Read on patient reader, read on:

Scuttlebutt
Golden Mariner Golden ABV
Forced on us by a sales robot with a quota to meet. Pale yellow color. Lots of sweetness up front but there's an odd flavor in there that we couldn't quite put our finger, or tongue, on. Hints of apricot on the ass end.. but what is that weird flavor? You tell us.

2 out of 5

Deschutes
Red Chair IPA ABV 6.4%
From the people that know how to make great beer, (Dissident, Super Jubel, Mirror Mirror, Hop Henge) but occasionally choose not to, we present this non-descript blah. If you don't like IPAs this is an IPA for you. Light, weak body, and lacking oomph. Better on draft than from the bottle. Next, please?

2 out of 5

Grand Teton
Sweetgrass IPA ABV 5.5%
Careful what you wish for. A delicious and provocative nose of, how do you say it, nothing. It tastes like beer soaked in stale cardboard. Maybe an old bottle. So don't buy any old bottles of this stuff, you have been warned.

1 out of 5

Ninkasi
Total Domination IPA ABV 6.5%
Revisiting this one, we'd be curious what we said about it the last time. Apparently we used to say more. We are jaded, aren't we? Anyhoo, this time it smells fresh but tastes like B.O. with an orangey cream-sickle thing going on. Creamy and prickly mouth feel, good carbonation and more oranges. Again, this does not totally dominate anything except maybe the brewery's business plan.

2 out of 5

Sierra Nevada
Kellerweiss American Hefeweizen ABV 4.8%
Smells like a solid wheat beer, if there is such a thing, or if it can smell solid. Pleasant golden yellow color that, given the right lighting, would glow on the pages of Bon Appetit. Lemony notes and orange on the nose but not a whole lot of body. Maybe we didn't pour it correctly. Very drinkable though, not because it's especially good but because it's ummm...drinkable. I hear there will be a keg of this at next week's Parkway Sierra brewer's night so you can try it for yourself.

2 out of 5

Bayerische Staatsbrauerei Weihenstephan
1809 Berliner Style Weisse ABV 5%
Hazy yellow color and very carbonated with a big fluffy meringue head. Smells like lemons and tastes like juice. One of the better educated members of our panel, and I do mean member, tells us that this style of beer is supposed to be mixed with fruit syrup and consumed for lunch, or some such nonsense. The sourness gives an impression of refreshment but really makes you just want to drink more. Slight maltiness gives it an unique finish. A gateway sour beer.

3 out of 5

Brouwerij Van Honsebrouck
Brigand Belgian Strong Pale ABV 9%
Thick, almost nitro-style head. Pale golden color. A little bubble gum on the nose but a hint metallic too. There's a taste of chemicals, Super Elastic Plastic comes to mind. Sweet and dry are fairly well balanced. But why send a sensitive beer on a 6 month voyage up the Panama Canal. Go to Belgium.

1 out of 5

New Belgium
La Folie '08 Flemish Sour ABV 6%
Soapy aroma. Baby aspirin and baking soda in the middle with a raw lemon juice tartness. The original complexity has veered towards a one-dimensional sourness. The most exciting thing about this beer was how the cork put a dent in the ceiling. We think it might be off. Here's some further details from the New Belgium folks themselves. Don't buy beer with a cork, folks, or at least drink it on the way home.

Port Brewing
Hot Rocks Lager Dunkel ABV 6.5%
So, it's no secret that we don't care for Emperor Tomme Arthur and his new outfits, but we try to keep an open mind. Well, actually, we don't but it sounds good to say so. We have a feeling he tried to pawn this crap off on us once before but called it Midnight Sessions. Obviously we didn't care for that either. Bland and tasteless, the hanging metallic tang is the only memory.
This wouldn't be a complete Port Brewing review if we didn't finish with a "Fuck you, Arthur." So here we go, holding hands, heads held high....you know the rest.

1 out of 5

Stone
12th Anniversary Bitter Chocolate Oatmeal Stout Imperial Stout ABV 9.2%
Yup, that's chocolaty. More like that powdered cocoa stuff or baking chocolate. Leaves a pleasing warmth in the old gut, but again slightly metallic. Maybe hasn't aged well. Where does that metallic flavor come from?

3 out of 5

Dumpbucket
Very typical dumpbucket. Smooth and awesome. Tastes like a black lager should. We'll send some to Tomme.

Knuckle-o-meter: "It's the Dilithium crystals, Cap'n"
Hobo: Stoked
Chugability: √0
Panel: 4 out of 5